Day Seven

I can't help but wonder if something quite profound may have happened; or if by saying that I am making more of something that is just simply another change.

This morning I sat in half-lotus for an hour and it was a breeze, like I'd been doing it all my life; it was as if any problem arising that similar to my out breath simply melted into the surrounding space and was no longer a part of me.

Also I woke up with a caffeine induced hangover.

I feel that I should explain that a little:

I'm an alcoholic. I used to drink to excess, smoke to excess, drink coffee to excess and take other narcotics if I was in the mood. My primary vice though was alcohol.

I stopped drinking and smoking on 30th December 2006 and also I stopped drinking coffee too. There was a big connection for me between coffee and tobacco and then alcohol on top was a dependent drug, the three of them formed a dependency triad.
I got through the alcohol withdrawal symptoms and other factors associated with alcohol addiction by going to AA which I would recommend for anyone who is having similar problems; and I guess since first attending it could be that if I considered myself to be on the 12 step program then I have reached Step 12. I never really did the 12 step program with any conviction though, I understand it and the Program has benefit; but it's prescriptive nature was not really for me.

More recently over the past two to three months I stopped drinking black tea. I suppose until relatively recently then I have become almost caffeine free, apart from some caffeine which is present in Green Tea that I occasionally drink.

The result of this caffeine reduction is that now I feel really quite spaced out if  I have a double espresso. Yesterday I had two !! (The best coffee in Hebden Bridge has to be at Mimmo's, in my opinion.)

It came to me in Quaker meeting yesterday: the espresso desire. I studied it and the nature of my "wanting" a strong black coffee and came to the conclusion that it wasn't too awful a thing to do. Although, I can see of itself that Coffee can be quite an addictive drink for me. 

After my 4 espressos I chatted to a friend about my day and how it had become a bit messed up. He commented that I was being remarkably alright about the day going wrong. It then struck me that perhaps I had somehow become totally connected with the experience of letting whatever happens be okay. Please don't get me wrong here, many things that happen to people and certain things that have happened to me are in no means okay, yet "letting whatever happens be okay" is far different to say, getting punched in the face being okay....

Maybe though it was just the two double espressos that made everything okay ??