Money

I smile wryly when friends say they are broke or in financial difficulty. Although, I can appreciate their position, there is no-one in the circle I know that is in the financial mire as far as me.

I am father to 3 kids bereaved of their mum in October 2008. All I do nowadays is housework, chores, look after my children's welfare and manage their estate for their future benefit. I have no assets of my own, no income apart from the little I get from the government; debts IRO £16, 000 and I can't even declare myself insolvent because to do so would mean relinquishing administration of the kids estate, somewhat unwise really.

So now, we are living literally hand-to-mouth, I am so glad the winter and cold weather has passed as I could not even to have the GCH on during the winter months. Again the end of a month is coming and I am juggling with thin air to try and make direct debits that occur for the normal household expenses. I have cut down on personal expenditure as far as possible and a treat for me is buying a bottle of mineral water.

Although, in some ways having no money (or next to no money) is liberating, it is also a complete pain in the backside when one is caring for young children.

Just thought I'd get that off my chest and now off to the hunt for work..... (although I wonder if I can do anymore work than I am already doing)

Robert Williams is fundraising for The Anthony Nolan Trust - JustGiving

Robert Williams is fundraising for The Anthony Nolan Trust - JustGiving

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Day 44

It has dawned on me that I have been suffering from writer's block and also being far too involved in my own play of life circumstances. 

In being involved in the play of life my connection to spirit has broken. I have effectively become Hamlet in my own life's play. A pretty miserable place to be.

Strangely enough as well I feel both like simultaneously laughing and crying.

Meditation itself reflects these difficulties with thoughts arising and attachment to thought becoming all too prevalent in the process. My greatest sense of freedom for my harsh circumstances came yesterday whilst doing Kundalini Yoga which I found to be very beneficial.

As now I am in danger of staying in the house and becoming sorry for myself and my lot in life; I will, instead, take my body on a strenuous run.

It is as well to remember:

• We are not our feelings
• We are not our thoughts

The remembering of this is though, pretty useless in my own experience; it is only experiencing:

• We are not our thoughts
• We are not our feelings

that results in liberation.

Be WELL :-)

Day 41

No one here

Day 40

The reason it has been over a week since I last wrote is that I have been pretty down all in all. Unable to get out of the feeling of immense hardship that my life seems to now be under, this is what I reflect to the universe and consequently this is what I seem to get back: more hardship.

Not sure what else to write at this moment....

Day 32

Permanence:

After my writing on impermanence yesterday, today has felt a struggle in meditation. Lots of monkey mind arising and a geneeral feeling of unease which I couldn't quite discover the cause of.

As I may have mentioned before I see meditation a bit like an exercise regime, in a similar way to exercise aiding a body to be better and also having an impact upon our physiological wellness, meditation is very similar. So like training for exercise, training of one's mind can sometimes become a chore. Similarly I found teh run I went on today quite hard. This just speaks volumes to me about how if I chose to be at odds with what is then it simply does not make anything better. Focus on hardship inevitably just creates more hardship.

Have fun :-)

Day 31

Impermanence:

Arising, passing away; arising, passing away; arising, passing away; arising, passing away; arising, passing away..

Everything we come across in life, and life itself, has this quality. True understanding of this is a key to joy on earth; but how does one truly understand impermanence??

In theory impermanence is fairly easy to understand; maybe in observational scenarios too we observe the flower opening at dawn and closing at dusk;

we observe migratory birds in our field of vision;

we observe our children growing and one age passing away as another arises; all these things we see; but to TRULY comprehend impermanence we need to experience it; to really feel it and this can be done when a person is fully at one with what is now; also by techniques like applying equanimity to pain we can experience impermanence. In this way impermanence becomes know to our very cores. With such knowledge we can change many situations and what we experience as negative in a blink can also be seen as a positive.

The Holosync meditation has been stepped up and I have also started running again which is good; someone who knows me a little commented yesterday on how well I looked and I thanked her for that; but also the change in raising my happiness through exercise is a tangible one.

Keep on keeping on :-)