Day 18

Ego, liberation, enlightenment, la la

Many people speak of the way they become liberated or enlightened but I, like HH Dalai Lama, don't have a belief that I am enlightened nor do I seek enlightenment as there is no-one to seek it from or become enlightened from.

So what am I doing??

Often I ask this question and if I see that doing anything by practise it is to improve my emotional, spiritually, physical and mental well-being and hopefully in doing so some of this may have an impact upon others.

At the end of the day though, despite the knowledge that meditation practise can bring a more peaceful life to a person and also other people around them, the centre for that practise is inevitably a body even if one is lucky enough to stop feeling it, then equally one is soon drawn back into it.

There is no-one to be enlightened as there is no-one here to achieve it.

Stop looking for a solution and become present and all creation will be revealed.

Back another day :-)

The Now

Often we all feel distract and drawn to both the past and the future. This is not being present.

It is hard to be present all the time yet also it is easy.

Why this yin and yang?

Honestly I do not know.

Today meditation (holosync) was a struggle from start to end, rising thoughts of dissatisfaction and the complete mess that seemingly my life is in came to a fore: debt crises; three children to care for without another parent of theirs on the planet to bounce ideas off; moment by moment not getting peace yet having a mindful awareness that peace is in the moment yet being unable to experience because of my mind.

Drank coffee to alter my perspective, a dangerous thing to do considering a probable genetic predilection for alcohol and my "past" experiences with both drugs and alcohol. Suffice to say the coffee altered my mindset but not in any positive way for my being.

Now feeling physically sick and wholly sorry for my lot I write this and wonder what on earth needs to happen to be more present.

Day 16

Drinking Coffee....

Now

Interestingly enough I found this:

Day 15

Noticing that the expansion felt previously has changed to contraction. The monkey mind prevails and the no-self of RAW becomes totally involved with the play of life. Now I have become Hamlet and not actually playing the part of Hamlet.

How does this happen??

Despite a daily practise it is easy to get drawn back to the aspects and difficulties of life, of which mine has plenty, fortunately myself and immediate family are in generally good health, although my eldest has laryngitis, and have a nice house to live in for now but money is tight, holidays are looking unlikely and my children are emotionally upset by the death of their mum that happened over a year ago, understandably so. Also as the sole surviving parent the pressure upon me is immense.

These factors of life all seemingly conspire to make the contraction happen. To lose oneself in the void of life and no longer feel as connected to being/god or the present moment. On the plus side I am aware of this which might help.

Assuming god is everywhere, knows everything, has nothing to gain nor anything to lose; and we are all made in the creation of God then similarly we all have the ability to be equally as well balanced as god, seemingly it is only life that puts this balance at odds. Kinda ironic.

Be Well :-)

Day 12

Day 11 was interesting in that I sat with a fellow SN Goenka Vipassana Meditator for an hour and it was very peaceful despite there being a strong traffic noise outside, at one point my no self felt a disconnectedness from my body, which is separation but also immensely pleasurable as it seems that being of light flows with god and creation. A very hard place to find outside of meditation, but not impossible. I dropped doing Holosync today to see if it would have any effect, it didn't

Day 12:

An hour of Holosync at 6am in which I had to break posture due to pain arising as a reward of monkey mind kicking in. C'est la vie. Seem to have developed a pain in my right side lower back and wonder if it's from forcing the 1 hour half-lotus.

On with the day.....

Later Day Ten

I awoke at about 4 15am and I wonder if it might be related to me applying to do another 10 day Vipassana retreat in October. I really hope not as I could do without getting up at 4 15am as a habit!!

Meditation was fine for an hour: although the wonder of is there any point to meditating if all that happens is what happens in the moment and dropping the veil of thought (not that thought ever leaves, it just becomes seen for what it is arising thoughts with no attachment) and personification of self then just enables one to see life as it arises and unfolds, oneness, creation, being, god; call it what you will.

"I" wonder if the intimacy felt with god during meditation is not attributable at all to the meditation or the stillness; but rather just an awareness of the non-existence of my own self.

Once the mask falls away everything is revealed with a radiance and the darkest of days appears light. 
For now: Life, although in many ways pretty hard for "me", can just be seen to be what it is. And what it is is beautiful, radiant and lovely. I will pass one day and life will go on, I suspect in me passing that only my body will leave and I will simply fall back into the beautiful radiant abundance of being or god. Death then, doesn't seem anything to fear.

Day Ten

In the beginning, trees were trees,

mountains were mountains

and rivers were rivers.

Then came a time when trees were no longer tress,

mountains were no longer mountains,

and rivers were no longer rivers.

Now, trees are once again trees,

mountains are once again mountains,

and rivers are once again rivers.

-Zen Saying

Taken From:

Jeff Foster's Latest Book

Be Well

Day Nine

It's interesting how the perception of what is reality is different for different people and by definition if there is such a difference then surely each person's reality is different too.

But this is only interpreted reality, the dream, life.

I am not a person who has any attachment to anything in life any more and so in saying that does it mean I am liberated.
Well no, because  there is nothing to be liberated from;

This is all there is:

You reading this now in this moment is all there is.

Cya

Day Eight

Onions:

As an individual (not that there are any individuals really but it's a term of reference) or as a person I find myself made up of many layers like an onion. I suppose also in many ways the outside of an onion is a reflection of the inner of the onion, and maybe also the world that exists around the onion.

We grow and develop layers. Many attributes we have may not necessarilly serve us; as mentioned before I am an alcoholic but have been non-drinking for over three years, maybe it's four, I kinda forget on that one. Spent ten minutes trying to work it out the other day and gave up.

The layers that don't serve us can also, I feel, become restrictive of our general outlook on life and the way we may feel as we pass through life.
By peeling back the layers we come to a source of oneness or emptiness and that is reflected in all of us just as it is in god and the world around us.

Now interestingly, through meditation that incorporates body scanning and the use of equanimity it becomes apparent that the attributes which do not serve me come bubbling to the surface and then peel away like the layers of an onion to come closer and more connected to that which is god. I saw that this morning as some sort of alignment, an aligning onion; similar perhaps to a French Onion ??

All joking aside, I feel it's important for me to spread the word of such alignment; such onion skinning. My practise makes me feel more peaceful and equanimous as a human being and I can only think that is a good thing; not just for me but also for the people around me. Just as stopping drinking had a positive impact not just on me but also those around me and those people close to me.

As far as my experience of meditation today went, both the hour sitting early at 6 15am and morning spirit at 9 15am felt very deep, very connected to that which is, and/or god; yet on both occasions I came out of the practise before the end. With the hour sitting I finished at 55minutes when the pain became too prevalent. Interestingly enough although initially I felt disappointed; very soon, within a second, realised disappointment was a foolish feeling to be having.

Here's a link to a friend who also practises and believes that such practise can dramatically change one's life:

http://www.thepowerofpractice.com/

PS
Keep clicking the ad links, and I get some money to support me and kids. Thank-you !!

Day Seven

I can't help but wonder if something quite profound may have happened; or if by saying that I am making more of something that is just simply another change.

This morning I sat in half-lotus for an hour and it was a breeze, like I'd been doing it all my life; it was as if any problem arising that similar to my out breath simply melted into the surrounding space and was no longer a part of me.

Also I woke up with a caffeine induced hangover.

I feel that I should explain that a little:

I'm an alcoholic. I used to drink to excess, smoke to excess, drink coffee to excess and take other narcotics if I was in the mood. My primary vice though was alcohol.

I stopped drinking and smoking on 30th December 2006 and also I stopped drinking coffee too. There was a big connection for me between coffee and tobacco and then alcohol on top was a dependent drug, the three of them formed a dependency triad.
I got through the alcohol withdrawal symptoms and other factors associated with alcohol addiction by going to AA which I would recommend for anyone who is having similar problems; and I guess since first attending it could be that if I considered myself to be on the 12 step program then I have reached Step 12. I never really did the 12 step program with any conviction though, I understand it and the Program has benefit; but it's prescriptive nature was not really for me.

More recently over the past two to three months I stopped drinking black tea. I suppose until relatively recently then I have become almost caffeine free, apart from some caffeine which is present in Green Tea that I occasionally drink.

The result of this caffeine reduction is that now I feel really quite spaced out if  I have a double espresso. Yesterday I had two !! (The best coffee in Hebden Bridge has to be at Mimmo's, in my opinion.)

It came to me in Quaker meeting yesterday: the espresso desire. I studied it and the nature of my "wanting" a strong black coffee and came to the conclusion that it wasn't too awful a thing to do. Although, I can see of itself that Coffee can be quite an addictive drink for me. 

After my 4 espressos I chatted to a friend about my day and how it had become a bit messed up. He commented that I was being remarkably alright about the day going wrong. It then struck me that perhaps I had somehow become totally connected with the experience of letting whatever happens be okay. Please don't get me wrong here, many things that happen to people and certain things that have happened to me are in no means okay, yet "letting whatever happens be okay" is far different to say, getting punched in the face being okay....

Maybe though it was just the two double espressos that made everything okay ??

Day Six (Written on Day Seven)

This is how Day Six went::

I woke up too early for a Sunday morning and decided that I would do an hour of Holosync brain entrainment based meditative practice lying in bed. This isn't recommended by the Centerpointe folk as often people fall asleep when Horizontal.

Anyway, I didn't fall asleep and it was quite unusual to not have the pain in my legs, although equally I wonder if working in this way is as powerful a practice.

Then I decided to do 45mins of silent still half-lotus meditation with nothing but a meditation bell and some body scanning and breath work. This went all quite smoothly.

As my day was afterwards blown up a bit in that what I had planned to do did not happen. So I decided to go to Quaker meeting for an hour and sit in silence. Again this was smooth and without much thought arising though I felt a strong connection from my heart to god (for want of another word I am going to use god but for reference:

(god, being, universal energy are all the same thing to me)

It was interesting that a friend said to me in Quaker meeting that she felt a lot of suffering in the room. I am not so sure I am as attuned to other people's suffering as some folk I know but one thing that I did in Quaker meeting was repeat the words:

"May All Beings Be Happy
May All Beings Be Peaceful"

These words seem to arise naturally for me at times and at Quaker Meeting this was one such time so I wonder if in this way I also keyed into the suffering that was potentially in the room.

These two simple sentences can bring about quite a profound change and in Vipassana as taught by SN Goenka, teachers say that this Metta Bhavana is always good to give out after taking in so much through the practise of Vipassana itself.

From my own view, these sentences or anything else that one can say which contribute towrds extending loving kindness and compassion to others can only make for a nicer place to be for all of us.

Day Five Later On

Whilst watching a pretty dull film at the Cinema it struck me that in the Vipassana teaching from SN Goenka it is frowned upon to discuss what feelings one may have in meditation, or whilst practising Vipassana. Although I can see that potentially telling people of meditative experiences could result in another's craving for or aversion from such experience; yet surely in being it is a goal of any of us to communicate our awareness and knowledge and in so doing potentially open some doors for another. I guess the flipside would be that equally it could close doors for another individual to share personal experience. Flipsides only exist in a dualistic world anyway!

Non-dualists would probably propose at that point that there is no individual anyway to experience whatever it may be that may arise, but then since no-one is writing that which no-one is reading then it does make me think if anyone really gives a monkeys ??

End of musing

Day Five

...And a first:

The first one hour sitting in half-lotus posture, small movements of head, hands and toes occurred.

It does strike me though that meditating like this can become something of an ascetic practice and when the discomfort of posture becomes a battle then it's as if the meditation itself is side-lined. I don;t think it is side-lined however so much as the struggle becomes the meditative experience.

I found today, as I have found at other times, that the battle can become all consuming, almost like a purging of one's soul. It's very hard to describe. But it's almost as if my entire being became wholly focussed with the pain and no-pain states. After all as one of the keys I mentioned before is to treat both states with the same outlook; neither having prejudice towards unpleasant sensation nor preference towards that which is pleasant. In this way we become more balanced in outlook I believe; we can become more present and less prone to negative emotions arising and taking control. in general 'nicer people'

Of course treating the whole experience equanimously I am bound to say that I was neither pleased at my 1 hour half-lotus maintained sitting, nor disappointed that a lot of the time seemed taken up with "struggle".

Being only human I have to say that I was quite chuffed I managed an hour in a half-lotus posture yet am also having an internal debate about the benefit of ascetic practice and wondering if going and flagellating myself in the river might not also be another practice worth doing!! (Maybe when it's warmer)

Day Four

Is it a daily challenge this whole peace in the moment and at every moment thing??

That's what my mind makes of balance, equanimity and impermanence. The deep peace that comes from meditation and being in the moment and attaining that peace predominantly most of the time in one's life.

I didn't manage to get up at 6am or 6 15am and do an hour of silent or holosync based sitting. I went to Morning Spirit (MS) at 9 15am and that was peaceful and connected then at about mid-day I tried a one hour half-lotus sitting with Holosync. 5mins into the meditation a cat decided to sit on my lap. As I find half-lotus quite challenging the additional weight of the cat did nothing to help moderate the gross sensations I felt in my legs. It's always been a bit strange ever since not even managing to sit for an hour straight during my First Vipassana that now I am still struggling with the hour of stillness.

At 30mins I had to alter my leg position, thereby both getting rid of the cat and relieving the gross sensations simultaneously. What then happened during the second half of the meditation was just extreme annoyance and fidgeting, almost the opposite of peace. I think sometimes the effects of the Holosync meditatuive sounds can create quite a lot of emotional turmoil for a person. In this case me. In any case I endured (that's how it felt) an hour; but it was incredibly hard and incredibly frsutrating and hardly at all equanimous. What needs to be taken from this experience I believe is no frustration, the frustration I felt needs to be left in the past where it rightfully belongs.

Thankfully i'm not feeling any iller than yesterday which is a good thing.

Peace be with you all, always

Day Three - Later On

Now, as I try not to feel too self-involved with my potential illness, I wonder how best equanimity can serve me in this state.

Unsure what has happened since our Morning Spirit (MS) gathering at 9 15am where 4 folk attended.

I am now feeling much the worse for wear and I wonder if it could be to do with a counselling preview appointment I had for my middle son who has been having some issues, especially since the death of his mum. As the senior therapist who saw me commented:

"you must have been through a lot"

And indeed from 27/10/08 My old life disappeared and a new one suddenly arose as a single father of three children with little support.

MS was lovely and as often happens where folk gather to simultaneously worship or be in silence or reverence to what is, a deep connection to the "source" or "being" or God then manifests itself. Usually this is in ways of feeling supported in posture, or healed in a similar way to reiki.

But since the counselling appointment I have felt extremely tired and lethargic, like I am just about to be struck down by a stampeding rhino virus.

Potentially I may try and just sit quietly before bed for 30mins stillness to see if that helps lighten my mood, until tomorrow....

Day Three

Waking up far too early (5 30am) with a stomach ache probably induced by drinking espresso yesterday and following that up with a mug of disgusting instant coffee (black, of course)

Anywho, the early start meant I got an hour of meditation or an hour of Holosync in first thing. The connection to what is was broken by my inability to remain equanimous in the face of quite severe pain at 45mins; again with the half-lotus. There must be some way to make all this easier and I kinda wish I had practised yoga and flexibility more regularly in my youth.

In Vipassana and many other forms of meditation there are three key factors; not just three, but three factors that I consider to be paramount. One is stillness of body and it is with such stillness that I feel the strongest connection to what is can be made. The other factor is equanimity, that is remaining non-judgmental and balanced in outloook no matter what arises in meditation. In my case in today's example I lost equanimity in the struggle with pain, or unpleasant sensation. The other major factor is impermanence, chi or the knowledge that everything changes all the time. Nothing is static in us, in anything around us or in being (bit of a mute point but us, everything around us and anything else is "being" anyway). Being mindful of this in the meditation time, and in fact all the time, can be very helpful.

I received an interesting email from a friend of mine yesterday which said this:

It sounds too obvious, but most people just don't
"get" it. And that's why we're a nation (and planet)
of "morbidly obesse", chronically sick, and desperately
unhappy people.

Of course, if you've been a Mind-Body Practitioner
for any length of time, you're probably not on death's
door anymore (I hope not!). I'm sure you already know
this and you're already on the path... But don't be fooled...

The effects of stress are subtle and sneak up on you.

When chronic stress happens to you day in and day out,
your body begins to break down, and you are no longer
able to repair yourself.

The solution, well there are many but one of them is regular practice of stillness, meditation or anything else (e.g. physical exercise) that may help you focus your mind and reduce such stresses.
Be well!!

Later Day Two

Time management is a difficult thing and people who promote meditation, teachers and the like (however, I am NOT a teacher and just a blogger) say that it's important to have time without interruption when one can meditate.

In my home, when the children are at school, there is space and time for me to meditate; yet without disconnecting all the phones in the house, having no communication would be potentially foolish - when I am responsible for three smaller folk, there is no absolute peace from the outside world.


So my meditation happened today around mid-day and 15minutes in first my mobile started ringing and 30secs after my landline; and inevitably it was my eldest son saying his school was closing down due to the adverse weather conditions. So obviously I answered my phone thereby interrupting the flow of the meditation.
It is important to treat such interruptions with the same equanimity that resides in the meditative practice. In Vipassana, as Taught by SN Goenka, they say that one of the keys to correct practice is equanimity; neither having dislike for any gross or unpleasant sensations that may arise in meditation nor having favour for any pleasurable experiences that similarly may arise.

After  the interruption I re-started and continued for 45 minutes solidly until I had to break my meditation again due to pain from sitting in half-lotus.

Half-lotus is a position I have recently adopted having sat for the past year plus in a cross-legged fashion. Half-lotus is more supportive of the back and I'd imagine full-lotus to be even more so; yet I struggle with the half-lotus position and the pain that can ensue. It is a discipline indeed to remain equanimous with pain, and  I have found that this can bring many rewards in my life.

Some points of note in my broken mediation where a deep connection to what is and this presented itself as a bright light shining upon me from all around. At one point in my meditation I felt as if I was in the meditation hall at Dipa Dhamma in Hereford; an interesting connection that I had not noticed before.

Day Two

Well so far I have missed my usual early am slot due to getting up too late and also the 9 15am spiritual connection group sitting due to thinking (mistakenly) there was no-one at the church.
I think though that part of the concept or idea that I want to grasp as I write this and possibly also try to share with you readers is that it doesn't matter what happens, everything in being is OKay:
Here's an example. I live in a hosue on a hill and this morning when I took my kids to school we discovered that due to the continual frost up here the road had taken on the qualities of an ice rink.
At first I was a little in fear of breaking a limb trying to get down the road and as I watched my chuildren fall over I kinda wondered if they;'d be Okay too.
Noticing this fear lead me to practice an acceptance of the situation as it is "now" . It is with this acceptance, and letting any situation no matter how hard, be Okay that we come to make an easier path though whatever difficult situation thwarts us. In this scenario I took control and made it down the hill okay.
So now I continue my day and will try to get thirty minutes of solitude later on

Day One

Each day I will try and write a little something about what happens in my meditation practices, could be exciting, could be dull, might have meaning, might not; who knows.
Today I did some binaural Meditation with Holosync early on for 30minutes with nothing remarkable to report; thereafter, sat for 15 minutes in a group (regular weekday 9:15am sitiing) where I felt remarkably at ease and lifted. Was wonderful actually.
Later in the day did some more audio type stuff using a Gamma wave based soundtrack and gave up after 15minutes.